


Not Fine, Not Yet

by B_Rabbit14



Series: Hunter x Hunter works by B_Rabbit14 [6]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angry Gon, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Healing, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I can't write about these two without adding some kind of pain, I love these kids, I swear, If You Squint - Freeform, Killua will protect all of them, Mental Healing, Mental wounds, Monster Gon (Gon-san), Sad Gon, There are three Gons, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Trauma, You heard me, help me, slight killugon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:33:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27000535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/B_Rabbit14/pseuds/B_Rabbit14
Summary: "Help..." He whispered and both of the other males' eyes widened. Gon's other half took a step back when the other seemed to stare at him, when Killua looked more closely he could see the crying male was looking past the other Gon. Killua slowly peeled his eyes away from the trembling form of his friend to see what he was looking at. His eyes widened and his breath hitched as he saw the hulking mass of what must have been the form Gon took to defeat Pitou. He stared at the two small boys with emotionless eyes that sent chills down Killua's spine. The boy still standing turned as well and audibly gasped at the large figure before taking a shaky step back. Gon still stared ahead at the large man with pain swirling in his blank eyes as he continued to cry."Someone help..." He begged and wiped at his eyes before reaching out to the figure.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck
Series: Hunter x Hunter works by B_Rabbit14 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1903207
Kudos: 4





	Not Fine, Not Yet

**Author's Note:**

> Hunter X Hunter has ruined my life and I could care less at this point.
> 
> This was something I came up in the heat of the moment and has not been edited so pardon any mistakes. I based a lot of this around the scene where Gon's arguing with himself in his head after finding out that Kite is dead. So yeah... We bouta get real sad up in this joint...
> 
> Enjoy! ~

Killua was both confused and concerned. 

He had no idea what was happening. He stood in a black void with no signs of life but could somehow make out the shape of a person far out in front of him. They sat on the ground as limp as a ragdoll and Killua felt compelled to approach whoever it might be. His footsteps echoed loudly through the dark space despite his habit of walking as silently as physically possible. Something wasn't right, the young male could feel it in his gut but he couldn't bring himself to stop. As he neared the person they became increasingly familiar, when Killua was about five feet away from them he finally managed to find his voice.

"Gon...?" His voice sounded muffled as if he was underwater causing him to frown. He opened his mouth to try again but was cut off by a soft sob.

_ "It's my fault that... Kite is..."  _ Gon's voice echoed brokenly and Killua instantly knew what was wrong. But it didn't make sense, he thought this had already happened. They had gotten past this, didn't they? Kite was alive and well, Gon had visited him.

**_ "No," _ ** Another voice replied causing both Gon and Killua to snap their heads to look in the direction of the source. Killua's blue eyes widened as he took in the sight of  _ Gon _ ? His head whipped back and saw that Gon was also still sitting on the ground, there were two of them but something was different about the second one. He stared down at the other version of himself with a burning fury in his eyes while the other stared up at him brokenly with empty glazed over orbs.  **_ "It isn't my fault!" _ ** He shouted causing his voice to rumble the non-existent walls around them and for his other half to flinch in fear at his tone.  **_ "Pitou’s the one who killed him! Not me!" _ ** He continued.

Killua couldn't move as he watched the crying Gon shakily raise his hands to cover his ears and shake his head back and forth. He wanted so badly to comfort the other but was reduced to watching uselessly from the sidelines.

_ "But it was me… It was me… I killed Kite. It’s my fault..." _ He sobbed quietly and his counterpart's fist clenched and he shook his head while swinging his hand to the side. 

**_ "No! It’s Pitou’s fault!" _ ** The other insisted with tears gathering in the corners of his eyes as he shook his head again. The other let out a choked sob and held his head in his hands. Killua felt tears beginning to well up in his eyes, he didn't know what to do. He felt so useless. Why was he being shown this? What was he supposed to do? Was this really how Gon felt? Was this why he sacrificed so much? Because he felt he owed that to Kite? The silent male watched tentatively as the Gon that was still sitting looked up to his other half with such broken eyes. Tears dripped at a constant rate and fell from the point of his chin as he stared at the angry male. His hands moved from the sides of his head and he stretched out one to the other as if begging him to understand.

_ "But it’s really my fault…"  _ Gon whimpered and his other self froze. He stared at the downed male with wide eyes that were still practically glowing with fury. He watched the other's face crumple as he sobbed hoarsely and shook his head again.  _ "Kite is dead…" _ He cried and the other Gon only watched with wide eyes as the other continued to cry.  _ "Kite is dead…" _ He repeated and every syllable was like a knife to Killua's heart. He wasn't there when Gon found out Kite was dead. He didn't know how Gon felt and never even bothered to ask. What kind of friend was he? Gon was suffering. He was hurting. And Killua did nothing about it.  _ "Kite is dead!" _ He screamed and looked up at the black sky face contorted in pain.

_ "Help..." _ He whispered and both of the other males' eyes widened. Gon's other half took a step back when the other seemed to stare at him, when Killua looked more closely he could see the crying male was looking past the other Gon. Killua slowly peeled his eyes away from the trembling form of his friend to see what he was looking at. His eyes widened and his breath hitched as he saw the hulking mass of what must have been the form Gon took to defeat Pitou. He stared at the two small boys with emotionless eyes that sent chills down Killua's spine. The boy still standing turned as well and audibly gasped at the large figure before taking a shaky step back. Gon still stared ahead at the large man with pain swirling in his blank eyes as he continued to cry.

_ "Someone help..." _ He begged and wiped at his eyes before reaching out to the figure. Killua wanted to tell him to stop, that he didn't have to do this but he still couldn't move. The angry Gon outstretched an arm as if to block his crying counterpart from the monster that towered over both of them.  _ "Kite is… Kite is… Kite is…"  _ Gon stammered and let out a sob as he rubbed at his eyes again. The other boy continued to shield him despite his obvious trembling as the giant neared them.  _ "I can’t get him back to normal. Kite is gone… It’s my fault. Someone help… Someone help Kite-" _ He wailed. Something warm dripped down Killua's cheek but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the scene playing out before him and didn't bother to notice he had begun to cry as well.

The Gon standing in a defensive stance shook his head wildly causing his tears to fly in different directions. He glared up at the strange version of him and took another step back as he continued to shield the other. Killua held his breath as the silent figure slowly raised a hand making the smaller look up at him in fear.

**_ "No..." _ ** He whispered. It was the first time he'd ever spoken so softly since Killua first saw him.  **_ "No! No! No! No! No! No!" _ ** He screamed in both fear and anger as the man placed a hand on his shoulder and knelt before the crying boy behind him. Even though he clearly wanted to be far away from the silent giant he didn't move and instead watched with fear in his glowing eyes as the large male reached to cup the side of his crying half's face and thumbed away the tears that continued to fall. Gon stared up at the calm monster with blank eyes and shakily raised his hands to clasp onto the man's wrist.

** "Pitou killed Kite, this was Pitou's doing," ** The figure finally spoke in a deep rumbling voice causing both boys to tense and stare at him with wide eyes. Gon stared at him with those painfully blank eyes for a moment before he blinked and slowly some light bled into them again. His face was carefully blank for only a moment more before it crumpled again and he sobbed loud and raw.

_ "But… But… But…" _ Gon gasped out between sobs and held tighter to the large wrist. He squeezed his eyes shut and leaned into the hand still holding the side of his face as another sob broke free from his lips. His other counterpart slowly joined the others on the ground and frowned at him before slowly taking his hands away and holding them in his hands tenderly. His eyes still glowed brightly with anger but it was far from being directed at his other half as he stared sadly at the crying boy. Gon's cried slowly became louder and echoed freely through the warped void and Killua wanted nothing than to hold all versions of his friend and tell them it was okay. They did enough and could rest now. They  _ were _ enough.

Killua used everything bit of strength left in his body to take a shaking step forward. His shoe clicked loudly against the suffocating silence par from Gon's sobs causing all three males to turn their eyes to Killua. Killua stared into three very different pairs of eyes, one empty and void of hope another brimming with rage and pain, and the last stared straight into his soul with so much hurt and guilt it was a wonder Killua wasn't a sobbing mess himself. He slowly came closer to the three of them not feeling the fear the smaller two had when he looked at the large male, the quiet titan stared at him silently and Killua was reminded of when he'd failed to stop Gon from hurting himself.

His blue eyes traveled to the angry boy that glared at him as if he didn't trust him not to hurt him or the others which would have hurt Killua under different circumstances but Killua understood why he was acting that way. He was Gon's hurt and rage towards what Pitou had done, he was Gon's anger at his failures and those who wronged him and his friends. Killua understood and so met his glare with a watery smile catching the other off-guard allowing the taller boy to get close enough to place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze it gently. Gon stared at him for a moment before deflating and with a sigh and finally letting his tears fall. Killua didn't hesitate to pull him into a tighter hug, he didn't mind that Gon squeezed a bit too tight for comfort and waited patiently until he pulled away with his eyes downcast before turning his attention to the other crying male next to his angry counterpart.

The other Gon stared up at him with watery eyes that held so much guilt it hurt Killua to look at them but his gaze held strong. He needed to be strong for Gon. Killua reached forward carefully and took the other's face in his hands and thumbed away his still flowing tears. Gon watched with wary eyes as Killua continued to hold him as if he were a piece of glass before his eye closed and he leaned into the other's touch as more tears fell. Killua slowly maneuvered around the other small male to hug him tightly. Gon peered over Killua's shoulder and made eye contact with his larger counterpart who only nodded before standing causing his other self to look up at him as well. Both smaller boys watched as the man slowly turned and walked back into the depths of their shared soul before sharing a look. Gon squeezed Killua tighter as his other self hugged the pale boy from behind and buried his face into the crook of Killua's neck.

For a moment all of the guilt, all of the pain and anger, was gone. Gon felt at peace here in Killua's arms. The moment the thought registered to him he heard a soft gasp and slowly look up to peer over his friend's shoulder and saw the other version of himself had pulled away from Killua. Killua turned to look as well letting Gon catch a glimpse of the other's hands that were now slowly fading away into patches of glowing dust. He looked up at Gon and he noticed the other's eyes had simmered down into a murky brown as the anger melted into resignation and he smiled sadly at him and Killua before fading completely leaving Killua with only one Gon left. Killua stared at the space where the other dark-haired male was mere seconds ago before looking back to the one still holding onto him.

_ "P _ **_ l _ e ** _ a _ **_ s _ e  ** _ d _ **_ o _ n ** _ 't  _ **_ l _ e ** _ a _ **_ v _ e ** ," Gon's voice and tone warped sounding like a mix of all three of the forms and he grasped the front of Killua's shirt tighter as if Killua would disappear like the others should he let go. Killua pulled Gon closer to him and buried his nose in Gon's hair while the other tucked his head under Killua's chin. " _ W _ **_ e _ 'r ** e  **_ s _ o ** _ r _ **_ r _ y ** ," He whimpered and Killua tightened his hold on Gon protectively. " _ D _ **_ o _ n ** _ 't _ **_ l _ e ** _ a _ **_ v _ e ** _ , K _ **_ i _ l ** _ l _ **_ u _ a, ** " Gon begged quietly and Killua felt tears come to his eyes again as he pressed his face deeper into Gon's spiky hair.

* * *

Killua woke up in his bed in a cold sweat and instantly dove off his bed to find his phone in his bag. He wasn't sure what time it would be on Whale Island but couldn't find it in himself to care very much as he frantically searched through his contacts for a certain number. After finally finding it he hurriedly clicked it and waited impatiently for the call to go through. The ringing finally gave way to a clicking sound followed by a noise that nearly made Killua cry on the spot.

"Hello?"

"Gon," Killua blurted and he smiled wistfully at Gon's surprised yelp followed by the usual shout of his name.

"Killua?!" Gon gasped and Killua could nearly hear the smile in his voice. "I wasn't expecting you to call until a few days from now, not that I'm complaining! You just surprised me is all! Is everything okay? How are Alluka and Nanika?" Gon rattled off question after question like he normally did and Killua let him reveling in the sound of his joyful tone and happy words full of excitement and wonder like he always was. But he couldn't help the worry that was rooted deep in his chest, begging him to tell Gon about he'd seen. To apologize, to ask if he was okay.

"Gon," Killua repeated cutting Gon off and earning a small confused hum that also encouraged him to speak. Killua licked his lips and looked up at the ceiling. "I'm sorry," He ended up saying. He barely caught the sound of Gon's breath catching on the other side of the line and could only imagine the way his brow would furrow and nose would scrunch up in confusion.

"Killua..." He mumbled and huffed a short sigh causing the speaker to crackle lightly. "What for? You haven't done anything worth apologizing for, at least not that I know of," He said softly and Killua closed his eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose sharply. Another moment of silence passed before Gon spoke up again. "Killua...? Is everything okay?" He asked carefully and Killua could've sobbed right then and there but skillfully held it all in.

"Gon, it wasn't your fault. You know that right?" He finally asked and held his breath as he waited for Gon to reply.

"Killua, what's this about? I don't know-"

"Listen to me, please," Killua pleaded softly and Gon quieted but the silence that followed was far from comforting. "You can't blame yourself, okay? I'm sorry for not asking if you were okay after, I shouldn't have gotten angry at what you said. I know you didn't mean it. I didn't know what it felt like to be told that Kite was dead firsthand and just-" Killua cut off with a short sob as the memory of Gon begging for help rang loudly through his head. "You called for help and I wasn't there," Killua whispered.

"Killua... How did you...?" Gon didn't finish and his question seemed to hang in the air between the two males.

"I had a dream..." Killua answered with slightly pink cheeks. Now that he said it out loud it felt so stupid. Maybe he was only overthinking it. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be bringing up old shit like this-"

"No, Killua. It's okay," Gon interrupted softly making Killua's mouth snap shut. "I'm not angry at you, I should be the one apologizing." He continued softly and Killua could hear the thickness in his tone. He cursed himself for making Gon cry again but knew he wasn't far off from breaking down. "I said all those hurtful things to you when you were just looking out for me. I know I already said sorry but I still feel terrible about it," Gon's voice cracked at the end of his sentence and Killua felt a tear roll down his cheek. 

"Are all of you okay?" Killua asked quietly and when Gon didn't reply in what he assumed to be confusion he hurried to explain his mistake. "I mean  _ you _ , are _ you  _ okay? You see, in my dream, there was-" He laughed wetly. "There were three of you," He explained loosely.

"I see," Was Gon's only reply.

"Are you okay?" Killua asked again. Gon sighed heavily and there was some rustling on his end of the line making Killua wonder if he'd woken Gon up during the night.

"I'm getting better..." He eventually answered and Killua leaned back against the side of his bed. "I'm not gonna lie and say I'm fine, but I'm getting there..." Gon whispered and Killua closed his eyes and nodded to himself.

_ In the shadows, two figures watched on as Gon glowed brighter and brighter with each day that passed. He was healing and that was all they could hope for. Both of them silently thanked their dear friend for being there in the end. He wasn't fine yet, but he was getting there. Slowly but surely. Gon laughed loud and bright causing the smaller figure to smile softly and his glowing eyes to shimmer in satisfaction at the sight. He was glad he'd decided to reach out to Killua in the end. He looked up at the hulking man next to him and giggled at the taller's soft expression. Gon needed this. And so did they. _

_ He took the other's large hand into his smaller on and lead the other deep into the shadows where they could finally be put to rest. _

**_ "Gon's safe now," _ ** _ He spoke softly with one last glance to his counterpart. A part of him was envious that he wasn't the one out there but he quickly shut it down. This was fine, he was fine. Soon enough both figures melded with the shadows that soon disappear under the light that began to shine even brighter from Gon's form. _

_ They all fell peacefully asleep that night. _

**Author's Note:**

> I love these kids, I swear... *proceeds to make both of them cry and doubt their existence* Heh heh ^^"
> 
> I really find the scene I based this on interesting because of how it appeared in the 2011 anime. It truly seemed like there were two different people arguing in Gon's mind and I found that really cool. I added Monster Gon (as I like to call him) because I can just totally see him protecting both smaller Gons like a big brother and it makes me laugh. Monster Gon in general makes me laugh, when I first saw him I told my sister his hair looked like a minecraft beacon and she died. For real though, I didn't even cry during that entire scene until Killua showed up because I was so busy comparing Gon's tiny clothes to booty shorts and a crop top. i'm a horrible person, I know. lol
> 
> Anyhoo! Didja like it! Feel free to drop a comment! And again, please pardon any mistakes!
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this and hope you guys like reading it also. I think you can expect more works in the fandom for quite a while because it has grabbed me by the neck and won't let go. XD


End file.
